Yep... just me. No one will read this but me... *shrugs* oh well, I guess.
I've come to the realization that I have emotionally detached from everyone. And it feels like everyone has detached from me. My friends. My family. My wife. My best-fucking-friend, who'd rather spend time with a livestream full of strangers than me. I don't know what this is... or what this means.... I don't feel linked to anything.
I guess I'm having a hard time truly understanding my mental position. I explained it days ago as something in the vain (is that the correct "vain" or is it "vein"? Does is matter if no one is really this anyway?!) of "I feel stuck in this exactly point in 4th Dimensional Space." I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Yes, I know I have friends and family that love and care or whatever people will be quick to tell me. But here's the trip - I Do Not Feel It. I don't feel it now. I didn't feel connected today. Nor Yesterday. Nor last week. Nor last month.... I don't remember the last time I did feel connected anything.
I talked to my wife about how I was feeling and as I did, I realized just how disconnected I feel and I can look back to see how desperate I was and still am to just have someone CLOSE. To connect with. To have some sort of bond with. And I don't and I haven't for WELL over a year. Disconnected at my job. Spending time at home alone. New job where I worked alone. Came home to an empty house. Moved into a place where I don't feel like I'm wanted. That's why I sit in a room that's not mine for as long as I can. If I'm going to mentally be alone, I might as well BE alone.
I can hear all the replies when I "reach out" - which has turned out to be a crock! I have heard and I will hear: "But what about your kids?" "But you have friends!" "Your friends love you, Dwan" "Your wife loves you" - Listen, first off, don't try to comfort me on "auto pilot" - meaning, don't come to me with the same automatic response that everyone has been hit with by everyone. I can see right through that and, to me, come off disingenuous. Secondly, I'm well aware that I have a family; a wife and kids. I know. I've met them. I know they love me. They tell me everyday. But what you're missing is that I am the one disconnected. I don't feel connected. I feel alone. Isolated. I can go to a party and feel like I'm just on the outside looking in. Doesn't mean I wont have a good time. Just means, as stated, I don't feel like I'm apart of anything.
To further complicate the narrative, I hate to talk about this for one primary reason. I feel like, If I was to post this publicly and people gave enough of a fuck to read it all the way through, they might actually reach out, not because that love their friend and think that hanging out would be a dope thing to do, but because they feel obligated or they felt sorry for me or worst yet, because they didn't want the thought of not and something happening to weigh on their our souls. Despite popular belief, I don't want pity. I don't want sympathy. If that's all you got for me, keep it for the next one! What I want, and I can't say this any more clearly and concisely, are FRIENDS to WANT to be around me and FRIENDS to make the genuine EFFORT. Friendships are suppose to be two-way streets and I do a LOT of the metaphorical driving. No lip service - real shit!
I'm going to keep doing my thing and keep hoping. Such is my life.
- Moon