So, I'm sitting here on my bed - well, the bed I sleep in - and I'm thinking. This is kinda my typical day. I wake up, I think. I cook, I think. I play with the kids, I think. I talk to my friends, I think. My brain is forever processing something or contemplating some idea or concept. It never stops. Ever. Like, ever. As some may have noticed, I can have a conversation with you and being REALLY into it and all of a sudden, I completely change gears and some random answer pops up. Understand, that I mean no disrespect by it, but my mind had been processing trying to find that answer or solution for God knows how long and that was when I came up with the answer. It's like those programs that run in the background of your phone, tablet, or computer. Just.. how that works...
I think this is why I love to write. It's a way of getting the thoughts out. unbeknownst to most, I have ideas and notes written EVERYWHERE. There is a small black notebook I used to keep next to my pillow so that if I woke up from a dream or if I was lying down watching a movie of something, I could write down my idea. I still have this notebook, but it's in my Writing Backpack. Yes, Writing Backpack. Notebooks, pens, index cards, stapler, staples, 3 Hole Punch - most everything I'd need to, well, write. There's space for my laptop, but it technically has it's own bag and I use my laptop for other things so it doesn't stay stored away. Wow, not even close to where this paragraph was suppose to go. That's why this is titled "Random Thoughts". *shrugs*
I guess the biggest thing is I want to write. I love to write. I NEED to write. I want to go next level with my writing. The problem is that I don't exactly know what "Next Level" is for my writing. I have the Website. I have the blog (that's this... this is the blog), I have the page on Facebook - but I SUCK at self-promotion.
To be honest, and I don't really see why I wouldn't be honest here, it's not really "Self Promotion" that I suck at. It's faith in my self and my work. I'm so deeply plagued with self doubt. I doubt my work is really good. My wife and best friend think my short story is good. A few friends have read it and they like it, but I have other issues with -
Okay, let me say it like this: I, personally, think I'm a good guy. I think I'm smart. I think I'm likeable. I also think that people around me don't like/support me like they say. This isn't a shot at them, but I feel/fear that people around me just kinda put up with me. I'm not accepted, I'm tolerated. I'm weird. I'm random. My mind works differently and I say off the wall things. My favorite thing that I say that gets an odd reaction - "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is the best song to watch something get murdered to. This is based on the opening scene to "Urban Legend", a 90s horror film, in which a young girl falls victim to a serial killer, in her SUV, whilst listening to the aforementioned song. It just really works and every time I listen to that song, I remember that scene. This was also reinforced during the "Pool Scene" in The Strangers 2: Prey at Night" The protagonist turns on the lights at a community pool, while being chased by the killers, and as the lights come on, music begins to play and there it is, "Total Eclipse of the Heart". Again, great scene and the music adds to it. It's ridiculous how happy I was the first time watching that scene and I heard the song. Ahh.. memories...
Wow, my nickname should be "The Tangent".
Anyway, with this mindset, it's hard for my to convince myself to push forward. If I can't get the support of my loved ones, why bother trying to reach strangers? Who the fuck am I?
While making money would be wonderful, I just want to have my work acknowledged, you know? If I'm going to put out this part of myself, whether it's with a blog, through Zack in "Such Is Life", through Lucy in "The Red Soul", through my opinion pieces - it's all part of me and I want it to be acknowledged and appreciated. I want to be appreciated. Not just with words. Through my adult life, I've seen people express love through empty words. I fear that I'm surrounded by empty words. *I really should say "fear" rather than "feel" because that's really what it is. It's not that anyone has done anything to make me feel this way. It's a me thing. It's me in my head. It's my fear and ultimately, it's not a fear of approval or disapproval. It's a fear of indifference.
My go-to example is, of course, pro-wrestling. In Pro-wrestling, you have your "heels", or bad guys, and "babyfaces", the good guys. People boo the heels and cheer for the babyfaces. At least, that's the design. Classic examples of this NOT working according to plan are when they boo'd Rocky Maivia, aka The Rock, as a rookie even though he was booked as a good guy. People cheered for Stone Cold Steve Austin, even though he was playing a bad guy role. The crowd was forever split for John Cena, as a good guy, prompting the popular cheer "Let's Go Cena!/Cena Sucks", and of course, people hated Roman Reigns as a good guy because, honestly, he wasn't Daniel Bryan (that deserves its own post someday - but really, many people have already written about it). No matter how people cheered or boo'd, it was a reaction. A crowd reaction got Cedric Alexander a job after the Cruiserweight Classic Tournament and a crowd reaction created KofiMania and lead to his sole World Title win at WrestleMania (it's a big deal, trust me).
In the Howard Stern bio-pic, Private Parts, about people listening to his radio show, it was said people who liked him listening to see what he'd say or do next and people who hated him listened for the same reason. What no one wants, in wrestling, on the radio (thanks Donna Summers), or in life, is indifference, where people just don't care either way. You're not loved. You're not hated. You just... don't matter - at all. You're not significant enough to garner a reaction of any kind. You might as well not exist. This is how I feel about Baron Corbin. To be honest, there is nothing significant about Corbin's character on air that makes me care he's on screen. He's not a bad performer, I'm just indifferent - and I don't wish that on him nor for myself.
I guess I just want to be heard but I'm afraid no one wants to listen. I know not everyone enjoys reading. I know not everyone will enjoy my work or agree with my opinions. I'm okay with that. That, as they say, is life. I just don't know how to get over this hump. *deep sigh*
Thanks for reading this. I hope now maybe you understand me a little bit better.