I start my day alone in a room. As the day progresses, I feel either alone or I feel out of place, unwelcome, or disassociated. At the end of the day, Im alone again. Thats how Sunday through Saturday feels.
Sometimes, I get out and I'm around other people, but feel almost circumstantial. Sometimes I feel like my presence is a matter of obligation rather than something desired.
My best friend get angry at me for wanting a friendship with more substance. I feel like all I'm capable of are empty connections. My life has almost no intimacy, and to be clear, that isn't a reference to sex or anything sexual at all. I simply mean I dont feel close to anyone. The fear that no one wants to be close to me keeps me from getting to them.
Why do I feel that way? Generalized lack of effort. Ill get a message here or there from a friends miles away. And its nice and genuinely appreciated, but there is so little else. Some friends aren't capable because or time or distance and while I dont hold that against them, it doesn't change the fact that my life lacks closeness.
Times like this, I really feel like the moon. Im alone in a darkened void forced to look down at a world that doesn't know how good they've got it.
So, here I am. The Moon. Cold and alone in a darkened void.